The last couple of days, I've really wanted to lay all this on my family, excitedly, happily, with passion. In my fantasy, they're so interested and receptive: "Really? No way...seriously? WHAT? Are you kidding? Oh my gosh..." Etc.
In reality, it would be met with tears, frustration, devastation, and completely closed minds.
I have never been happier in my life.
Husband's still got a lot of hang ups. I think he's still sad about it. Dreading telling his family. Still studying, writing, studying, mulling, talking...
Going to a big RS get together on Saturday morning. My friends invited me. I don't really care to go for the subject matter, and I'm already annoyed by the lovebombs, but it's kind of an act of defiance for me. I plan on wearing something that people will be easily able to tell I'm not wearing garments. The word is spreading about us not going to church. Let the rumors fly...and let the genuine people be honest and direct with me. I'm looking forward to just being asked.
And when someone finally does ("Why haven't we seen you at church?"), I'm going to look them in the eye and matter-of-factly say: "Because I took a good look at what I believe, did a lot of reading, a lot of pondering, and I'm going with what seems and feels right."
Maybe I'm being naive, but I would think that would have to at least put a damper on any stupid rumors. It is so effing annoying that everyone's first inclination is "Oh, did someone offend them? Did someone make them mad?"
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
aftermath
We're fortunate in our situation. The closest family we have really doesn't care what we do, and the rest are too far away to realize what's going on, so we can tell them in our own time.
Our bishopric came to visit us a couple of weeks ago and were surprisingly awesome about things. They just wanted to make sure they hadn't done anything to offend us. We assured them that wasn't the case (but Husband was upfront about how he didn't like how he was handled in being released) and we were totally fine with them and everyone else. They didn't really ask for further explanation, as our EQ pres/friend had already kind of told them what was going on with us, and they left us with an open invitation to keep attending activities and of course, to come to church whenever we want. It was very refreshing and a great move on their part.
I went out with a bunch of gals from our ward last week too, and not one of them said anything about not seeing me in a while. I'm pretty sure at least one of them knew why, but she was cool with me anyway.
Another sister - who's always been a bit too aggressively helpful and nice for my taste but I like her because of/in spite of that - called me today cause she "hasn't seen me in forever." She said that a couple of times, but I didn't offer any explanation and she didn't directly ask, so we just had a friendly, warm chat. At the end she said "Well, I look forward to seeing you again," and I said "We'll see you around."
So I'm wondering about the different exits other apostates make from the church, and how much those strategies have to do with how they're treated after they leave - because you hear a lot of bad stories about people being total jerks to them. I'm sure if we'd insisted on telling our leaders all the reasons why we're not going anymore, there'd be a different attitude. Instead, I told my RS pres that I needed some space right now to sort things out - thanks to Husband's advice. I had actually drafted a whole letter that explained how I no longer believed and so didn't wish to put my time into it. He told me it was too much, and he was right.
I've been pleasantly surprised with how well everyone has handled us.
However, we still have a lot of family to inform. I can't wait to get that behind us by a couple of years.
Our bishopric came to visit us a couple of weeks ago and were surprisingly awesome about things. They just wanted to make sure they hadn't done anything to offend us. We assured them that wasn't the case (but Husband was upfront about how he didn't like how he was handled in being released) and we were totally fine with them and everyone else. They didn't really ask for further explanation, as our EQ pres/friend had already kind of told them what was going on with us, and they left us with an open invitation to keep attending activities and of course, to come to church whenever we want. It was very refreshing and a great move on their part.
I went out with a bunch of gals from our ward last week too, and not one of them said anything about not seeing me in a while. I'm pretty sure at least one of them knew why, but she was cool with me anyway.
Another sister - who's always been a bit too aggressively helpful and nice for my taste but I like her because of/in spite of that - called me today cause she "hasn't seen me in forever." She said that a couple of times, but I didn't offer any explanation and she didn't directly ask, so we just had a friendly, warm chat. At the end she said "Well, I look forward to seeing you again," and I said "We'll see you around."
So I'm wondering about the different exits other apostates make from the church, and how much those strategies have to do with how they're treated after they leave - because you hear a lot of bad stories about people being total jerks to them. I'm sure if we'd insisted on telling our leaders all the reasons why we're not going anymore, there'd be a different attitude. Instead, I told my RS pres that I needed some space right now to sort things out - thanks to Husband's advice. I had actually drafted a whole letter that explained how I no longer believed and so didn't wish to put my time into it. He told me it was too much, and he was right.
I've been pleasantly surprised with how well everyone has handled us.
However, we still have a lot of family to inform. I can't wait to get that behind us by a couple of years.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Out.
Welp...I informed the RS pres today that I want to be released from my callings. I wimped out and emailed her instead of calling her. She's braver. She called me. She was surprisingly cool about it (what did I expect?) and very kind. We've been on the radar, so I know it wasn't a surprise to her. I was already becoming a project for them. We had a very short, but very sweet conversation. I'm pretty happy with my exit.
Husband's, on the other hand, wasn't quite so smooth. Yesterday was to be his last day teaching. He showed up to teach and got told that someone else would be teaching his class instead. The bishopric was supposed to have told him prior to yesterday, and no one did. Not cool. Some of his kids were already in the class when the SS pres told him they had another teacher for him. So off he went. He wasn't happy about it.
But, now life can go on. It won't be long till I've handed off the stuff pertaining to my calling, and then we are free. We're not turning away home or visiting teachers at this point, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyway. I look forward to feeling better about this than I do right now. It is worth mourning, but I don't want to. I just want to replace it and get on with things.
Husband's, on the other hand, wasn't quite so smooth. Yesterday was to be his last day teaching. He showed up to teach and got told that someone else would be teaching his class instead. The bishopric was supposed to have told him prior to yesterday, and no one did. Not cool. Some of his kids were already in the class when the SS pres told him they had another teacher for him. So off he went. He wasn't happy about it.
But, now life can go on. It won't be long till I've handed off the stuff pertaining to my calling, and then we are free. We're not turning away home or visiting teachers at this point, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyway. I look forward to feeling better about this than I do right now. It is worth mourning, but I don't want to. I just want to replace it and get on with things.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Here we go.
Every time we make even the slightest move toward coming out with our feelings, I feel awful. Many Mormons would tell me that feeling is the result of being wrong. A part of my former, obedient, Mormon-self still makes me wonder: Are we wrong? I believe that people find what they're looking for, whether it's there or not. Are we doing that?
Well, first of all, why would we look for this? Upheaval of our social and family relationships? The disappointment everyone will feel for us?
Maybe I don't want the Church to be true. Maybe I am justifying it, because I myself could never make sense of it. Maybe...
But I don't think so. When I tried to be obedient and read my scriptures each day, I could never shake the doubts. I knew I should listen to the brethren and not allow myself to doubt, but I couldn't ever fully shake it. Like reading D&C 132. Seriously? It always seemed abusive and manipulative. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Like every other "little" thing.
The brethren tell us not to doubt because it leads to questions, and if you are honest with yourself, you look for the answers to questions.
The answers are: The Church is full of contradictions in its doctrine. The Church isn't up front about its teachings. Earlier this year, when I was striving to be an upstanding, obedient, respectable member, I was reading the lessons for Relief Society ahead of time. I keep recalling now the one on honesty. Here, copy and pasted from lds.org: "There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." So, by the Church's own standards, they are liars. "...by silence, or by telling only part of the truth." They have done a whole hell of a lot of that, and that is reason enough alone to be wary of it.
I didn't ask to doubt. I wanted to be a part of this. Most of the people involved in the church are well-meaning and don't know any of its history. They know that it's a well-organized institution that helps people become better. Which it is. But it also claims to be the truth and sends a message that it is the only way. Which it isn't.
It's hard not to be bitter, especially as I anticipate family and friends hounding us and saying "What are you thinking?" It's no small leap to get to where we've come. It's easy to forget just how in we were ourselves, and how we have wondered about other people we knew who became inactive.
It's for that reason that I feel like I need to really hone down an answer to their questions. Something general, kind, but honest. Like "I had some questions and concerns, and when I addressed them, I found all sorts of viable and credible information that made me lose even the hope of having a testimony." I don't want anyone misunderstanding us. I don't want anyone thinking that we're just lazy, or we want to get wasted, or wear booty shorts, or got fed a few lies and went off the deep end. It's been a months-long (and if you count the beginning of the doubts, it's been a journey just as long as our membership) progression into disbelief.
Yesterday, Husband asked to be released and had a conversation with the EQ president, who also happens to be one of our good friends who we hang out with pretty often. He's obligated to "report" us to the bishopric. I got a text this morning asking if I had sick kids, how was I, I was missed at church yesterday, can we come see you this week? from my visiting teacher. My first reaction is "ugh, leave me alone." But I have to fight that - we have to be kind, but firm and honest. We are on the brim of facing the music with our ward, and it has me very anxious, stressed, a tiny bit doubtful of our decision. Sure, we can always go back to activity if we feel like we should (I can't imagine that), but making this step of inactivity will forever blemish us. Unless of course we do go back, and then we'll be revered and their own testimonies will be strengthened and sustained.
Husband's been emailing with his dad about some of his concerns, but hasn't given his dad any real idea that we're on the verge of complete inactivity. I have one brother who's asked how things are going for us in this department, and I was honest with him. He hasn't seemed to share that with anyone else, which I appreciate. My mom even came to visit for a few days and never even brought it up...which has relieved and annoyed me. My mom and sister both act like nothing ever happened, like there's never been any kind of conversation about how I think the Church is bunk and they think I'm crazy and need to stick with the program. I'm glad she didn't bring it up when she was here, because I dread those conversations, those confrontations. At the same time, I think the reasons they don't ask are because 1) They believe we're going to come through stronger and better, more faithful on the other side of all this and 2) They don't want me to plant any seeds of doubt in their own minds. I know for sure that's the case with my sister.
The very fact that we're all so scared of delving into the concerning topics is alarming. Why are we all so scared to know the truth about things?
Because it means losing certainty, and a wonderful community with like-mindedness and constant confirmation and comfort.
I hope that in a few years, as we've replaced this part of our life with other good, positive, uplifting and growth-promoting activities and books, that we'll be able to look back on all of this, and the Church, more clearly, without its influence and our family's influence constantly lurking.
I don't want to use such harsh words, but it really is an abusive, manipulative organization. I don't want to be bitter, but who can blame all those who are so pissed off?
We might be anticipating things that won't actually happen - the bishopric coming over and trying to talk us off the ledge, more energetic home and visiting teaching efforts toward us, etc. They probably will leave us alone. I'm sad for the damaged relationships it's going to create though....especially within our families, when they do find out, who knows when. All of this has a cloud hanging over me.
At the same time, I feel like a weight's been lifted. I'm finally free to embrace the things that DO make me happy, instead of feeling guilty that I'm not spending more time on the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. I feel free.
Lots of conflicting feelings, though, for sure. I hate this.
Well, first of all, why would we look for this? Upheaval of our social and family relationships? The disappointment everyone will feel for us?
Maybe I don't want the Church to be true. Maybe I am justifying it, because I myself could never make sense of it. Maybe...
But I don't think so. When I tried to be obedient and read my scriptures each day, I could never shake the doubts. I knew I should listen to the brethren and not allow myself to doubt, but I couldn't ever fully shake it. Like reading D&C 132. Seriously? It always seemed abusive and manipulative. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Like every other "little" thing.
The brethren tell us not to doubt because it leads to questions, and if you are honest with yourself, you look for the answers to questions.
The answers are: The Church is full of contradictions in its doctrine. The Church isn't up front about its teachings. Earlier this year, when I was striving to be an upstanding, obedient, respectable member, I was reading the lessons for Relief Society ahead of time. I keep recalling now the one on honesty. Here, copy and pasted from lds.org: "There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." So, by the Church's own standards, they are liars. "...by silence, or by telling only part of the truth." They have done a whole hell of a lot of that, and that is reason enough alone to be wary of it.
I didn't ask to doubt. I wanted to be a part of this. Most of the people involved in the church are well-meaning and don't know any of its history. They know that it's a well-organized institution that helps people become better. Which it is. But it also claims to be the truth and sends a message that it is the only way. Which it isn't.
It's hard not to be bitter, especially as I anticipate family and friends hounding us and saying "What are you thinking?" It's no small leap to get to where we've come. It's easy to forget just how in we were ourselves, and how we have wondered about other people we knew who became inactive.
It's for that reason that I feel like I need to really hone down an answer to their questions. Something general, kind, but honest. Like "I had some questions and concerns, and when I addressed them, I found all sorts of viable and credible information that made me lose even the hope of having a testimony." I don't want anyone misunderstanding us. I don't want anyone thinking that we're just lazy, or we want to get wasted, or wear booty shorts, or got fed a few lies and went off the deep end. It's been a months-long (and if you count the beginning of the doubts, it's been a journey just as long as our membership) progression into disbelief.
Yesterday, Husband asked to be released and had a conversation with the EQ president, who also happens to be one of our good friends who we hang out with pretty often. He's obligated to "report" us to the bishopric. I got a text this morning asking if I had sick kids, how was I, I was missed at church yesterday, can we come see you this week? from my visiting teacher. My first reaction is "ugh, leave me alone." But I have to fight that - we have to be kind, but firm and honest. We are on the brim of facing the music with our ward, and it has me very anxious, stressed, a tiny bit doubtful of our decision. Sure, we can always go back to activity if we feel like we should (I can't imagine that), but making this step of inactivity will forever blemish us. Unless of course we do go back, and then we'll be revered and their own testimonies will be strengthened and sustained.
Husband's been emailing with his dad about some of his concerns, but hasn't given his dad any real idea that we're on the verge of complete inactivity. I have one brother who's asked how things are going for us in this department, and I was honest with him. He hasn't seemed to share that with anyone else, which I appreciate. My mom even came to visit for a few days and never even brought it up...which has relieved and annoyed me. My mom and sister both act like nothing ever happened, like there's never been any kind of conversation about how I think the Church is bunk and they think I'm crazy and need to stick with the program. I'm glad she didn't bring it up when she was here, because I dread those conversations, those confrontations. At the same time, I think the reasons they don't ask are because 1) They believe we're going to come through stronger and better, more faithful on the other side of all this and 2) They don't want me to plant any seeds of doubt in their own minds. I know for sure that's the case with my sister.
The very fact that we're all so scared of delving into the concerning topics is alarming. Why are we all so scared to know the truth about things?
Because it means losing certainty, and a wonderful community with like-mindedness and constant confirmation and comfort.
I hope that in a few years, as we've replaced this part of our life with other good, positive, uplifting and growth-promoting activities and books, that we'll be able to look back on all of this, and the Church, more clearly, without its influence and our family's influence constantly lurking.
I don't want to use such harsh words, but it really is an abusive, manipulative organization. I don't want to be bitter, but who can blame all those who are so pissed off?
We might be anticipating things that won't actually happen - the bishopric coming over and trying to talk us off the ledge, more energetic home and visiting teaching efforts toward us, etc. They probably will leave us alone. I'm sad for the damaged relationships it's going to create though....especially within our families, when they do find out, who knows when. All of this has a cloud hanging over me.
At the same time, I feel like a weight's been lifted. I'm finally free to embrace the things that DO make me happy, instead of feeling guilty that I'm not spending more time on the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. I feel free.
Lots of conflicting feelings, though, for sure. I hate this.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
On the other side
In looking around at "after Mormonism" sites and discussions, I've come across some disturbing stuff and admittedly gotten a little scared and wanted to curl up, back into my good-Mormon-gal ball in the corner; full activity and effort into the Church.
So many people seem to leave the Church and jump into all the stuff we aren't supposed to do as members in good standing.
I never liked alcohol (the taste or its effects), hated the idea of any partner of mine looking at or watching pornography, etc. My hatred of those things was actually the driving force in me "coming back" to church in the first place. I found my perfect man and we're on the same page with these things. There's a lot of good in the Church's teachings that I don't ever want to forget or let go of.
However, there are some things that the Church pushes, that I believe in, but will have a harder time living them if I'm not being "held accountable." Swearing and modesty, for example. I've never had the cleanest mouth or been a sweet girl, by nature. Keeping my language clean is something I want to continue to strive for (not that anyone was ever checking my language, but it was the influence of the Church that changed my language almost 7 years ago.) And modesty - I totally appreciate this idea, but the freedom of wearing tank tops and not having to find knee-length shorts is very appealing to me, too. I'm not about to have my butt hanging out all summer long, don't get me wrong, but the LDS wardrobe can be limiting to certain body types. The day that I went through the temple and started wearing garments, we went shopping for me to get some new shirts that would fit better with my new underwear. I literally cried when I realized how limiting that would be. I got over it and have been totally satisfied, for the most part, with my options, especially because I really do appreciate modesty. But it will be a nice thing not to worry about anymore.
I'm not getting this point across very clearly. I guess all I'm trying to say is that outside the Church's influence, I hope Husband and I can find a good balance of the old ideals and the new freedom. I totally intend to return to my old loves of frappucinos and sweetened iced tea, but more as treats as habits (just like soda is to me now.) I look forward to not worrying about whether my g-top is poking out of the top of my pretty-darn-but-not-quite-modest-enough shirt. Pornography will never have a place in my marriage. Alcohol? Maybe. Neither of us like the taste, but I think we can both appreciate, and are both a bit tempted by, the idea of just light drinking, at his company functions or whatever. The last time either of us drank alcohol was when we were teenagers, and the sole purpose was to get wasted and be idiots. I'm sure as adults, it would be a bit different.
Whatever we do in those regards, I would like for it to only be on terms we're both comfortable with. I won't do anything he doesn't like and he'll show the same respect to me.
I think we might enjoy some iced tea tonight, actually. He's never tried it and I loved drinking it before. Toasting to the new life ahead. We're such rebels.
So many people seem to leave the Church and jump into all the stuff we aren't supposed to do as members in good standing.
I never liked alcohol (the taste or its effects), hated the idea of any partner of mine looking at or watching pornography, etc. My hatred of those things was actually the driving force in me "coming back" to church in the first place. I found my perfect man and we're on the same page with these things. There's a lot of good in the Church's teachings that I don't ever want to forget or let go of.
However, there are some things that the Church pushes, that I believe in, but will have a harder time living them if I'm not being "held accountable." Swearing and modesty, for example. I've never had the cleanest mouth or been a sweet girl, by nature. Keeping my language clean is something I want to continue to strive for (not that anyone was ever checking my language, but it was the influence of the Church that changed my language almost 7 years ago.) And modesty - I totally appreciate this idea, but the freedom of wearing tank tops and not having to find knee-length shorts is very appealing to me, too. I'm not about to have my butt hanging out all summer long, don't get me wrong, but the LDS wardrobe can be limiting to certain body types. The day that I went through the temple and started wearing garments, we went shopping for me to get some new shirts that would fit better with my new underwear. I literally cried when I realized how limiting that would be. I got over it and have been totally satisfied, for the most part, with my options, especially because I really do appreciate modesty. But it will be a nice thing not to worry about anymore.
I'm not getting this point across very clearly. I guess all I'm trying to say is that outside the Church's influence, I hope Husband and I can find a good balance of the old ideals and the new freedom. I totally intend to return to my old loves of frappucinos and sweetened iced tea, but more as treats as habits (just like soda is to me now.) I look forward to not worrying about whether my g-top is poking out of the top of my pretty-darn-but-not-quite-modest-enough shirt. Pornography will never have a place in my marriage. Alcohol? Maybe. Neither of us like the taste, but I think we can both appreciate, and are both a bit tempted by, the idea of just light drinking, at his company functions or whatever. The last time either of us drank alcohol was when we were teenagers, and the sole purpose was to get wasted and be idiots. I'm sure as adults, it would be a bit different.
Whatever we do in those regards, I would like for it to only be on terms we're both comfortable with. I won't do anything he doesn't like and he'll show the same respect to me.
I think we might enjoy some iced tea tonight, actually. He's never tried it and I loved drinking it before. Toasting to the new life ahead. We're such rebels.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Closer to two feet out
I'm a bit sick this week. I don't want my girls to get it, but if my 2 year old does get it, at least I have an excuse to not go to church.
But I am getting ever-closer to not needing an excuse, ever-closer to not caring what they all think of me because more and more, their opinions don't hold a lot of value to me.
We've been doing a lot of reading on Pure Mormonism. A lot of interesting information and viewpoints.
I don't give the guy full credibility for multiple reasons, but a lot of what he says resonates with me. On the other hand, this guy's thrown another complicated layer into my search for just what I believe about this church, from its beginning, to now. I agree with what he has to say about the current church, but I don't know that I agree with his belief in the purely restored church in the first place - that Joseph Smith was a prophet, etc.
If I had to put my name on a belief as of today, I would say that I believe that Joseph Smith had some inspiration to write a really great book with wonderful principles and ideas in it, and even had some other great ideas.
It gets tricky though with the theories that documents have been altered. How can we possibly believe in any document or record? How can we believe anything that we didn't see for ourselves or feel for ourselves? I mean, for pete's sake, this Rock guy believes that Joseph Smith didn't actually practice polygamy. His reasoning all seems to be sound - but that's even more disturbing to me. What the hell are we supposed to believe about something like that? Either way you look at it, someone dramatically altered records; someone(s) is or has lied a lot to promote polygamy - that JS did it or that he did not.
So scratch what I said up there. If I had to say what I believe in....I'd say "follow your heart. Treat people well. Model your life after people who were and are peaceful and loving. Put value on anything or anyone who promotes good things." I would include the Book of Mormon in that category. The Bible, so far as it makes any sense. And lots of other things that I hope to discover. This entry from Rock really resonated with Husband and me both. This concept (not necessarily the entire post, since it relates back to JS) just makes sense to me, through and through.
I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to know anything for sure. And because I don't know anything for sure, I don't feel compelled to attend to or adhere to the teachings, practices, and policies of an institution that claims to be the one and only truth and pushes strict obedience....yet is a pretty shady institution itself. One thing I feel I'm getting more sure of is that this church does not sit right with me.
I think I'm done. With the Church. At least for now. I'll continue to study and experience and feel things out, but I highly doubt that my heart will lead me back to the LDS Church, with all its authority and policies that don't make sense.
Things making sense. That's what all this has been about. So much of what I've learned and followed has never made sense to me, but you are taught to "follow the Prophet," so you swallow it and carry on, thinking that it doesn't need to make sense. That's changing for me, a lot. Things can make sense. And maybe I could apply this as a strong member of the Church, too - study out things that don't make sense...but that's what I've been doing, and this is where it got me. I've found out all kinds of things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, enough of which are verifiable - enough to make me want nothing to do with it.
But I am getting ever-closer to not needing an excuse, ever-closer to not caring what they all think of me because more and more, their opinions don't hold a lot of value to me.
We've been doing a lot of reading on Pure Mormonism. A lot of interesting information and viewpoints.
I don't give the guy full credibility for multiple reasons, but a lot of what he says resonates with me. On the other hand, this guy's thrown another complicated layer into my search for just what I believe about this church, from its beginning, to now. I agree with what he has to say about the current church, but I don't know that I agree with his belief in the purely restored church in the first place - that Joseph Smith was a prophet, etc.
If I had to put my name on a belief as of today, I would say that I believe that Joseph Smith had some inspiration to write a really great book with wonderful principles and ideas in it, and even had some other great ideas.
It gets tricky though with the theories that documents have been altered. How can we possibly believe in any document or record? How can we believe anything that we didn't see for ourselves or feel for ourselves? I mean, for pete's sake, this Rock guy believes that Joseph Smith didn't actually practice polygamy. His reasoning all seems to be sound - but that's even more disturbing to me. What the hell are we supposed to believe about something like that? Either way you look at it, someone dramatically altered records; someone(s) is or has lied a lot to promote polygamy - that JS did it or that he did not.
So scratch what I said up there. If I had to say what I believe in....I'd say "follow your heart. Treat people well. Model your life after people who were and are peaceful and loving. Put value on anything or anyone who promotes good things." I would include the Book of Mormon in that category. The Bible, so far as it makes any sense. And lots of other things that I hope to discover. This entry from Rock really resonated with Husband and me both. This concept (not necessarily the entire post, since it relates back to JS) just makes sense to me, through and through.
I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to know anything for sure. And because I don't know anything for sure, I don't feel compelled to attend to or adhere to the teachings, practices, and policies of an institution that claims to be the one and only truth and pushes strict obedience....yet is a pretty shady institution itself. One thing I feel I'm getting more sure of is that this church does not sit right with me.
I think I'm done. With the Church. At least for now. I'll continue to study and experience and feel things out, but I highly doubt that my heart will lead me back to the LDS Church, with all its authority and policies that don't make sense.
Things making sense. That's what all this has been about. So much of what I've learned and followed has never made sense to me, but you are taught to "follow the Prophet," so you swallow it and carry on, thinking that it doesn't need to make sense. That's changing for me, a lot. Things can make sense. And maybe I could apply this as a strong member of the Church, too - study out things that don't make sense...but that's what I've been doing, and this is where it got me. I've found out all kinds of things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, enough of which are verifiable - enough to make me want nothing to do with it.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Been a bit.
Two weeks ago last night, we were packing for a weekend away with Husband's family, to attend his brother's sealing to his wife and baby, when we found out that my dad had a heart attack and passed away.
My relationship with my dad could be the source of an entire essay by itself, except that I had pretty much become complacent with it. He was my dad, so there's automatically weight to his death, but we were not close and he was, by no means, part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly life. We spoke, at best, about 3 times a year, and saw each other even less than that. I'll miss him, but his death hasn't affected me very much. I do think that maybe something is missing in me - some integral part that has to do with attachment and grieving - but I don't know. And if I really am missing some part or quality, I suppose I prefer it that way.
Anyway. All of that interrupted life for a bit. Traveling, funeral, getting home and getting back into the swing of things.
Going to my b-i-l's sealing, we were both looking at it as possibly the last time that we'd ever enter the temple. I tried to make it a meaningful experience...somehow. I wanted to "take it all in," or take some time to meditate, but there's only so much you can do in a sealing ceremony. Regardless, it was the same experience as usual - nothing about the whole thing or my environment spoke to me. It was great to see our family so happy, and to see them fulfilling something that was important to them and brought them closer. And that was it. Except for the part where, as we sat in the chapel, I looked around at all the faces of former prophets/presidents of the church and thought "How many of you perpetuated lies? What kind of men are you really?" Overall, I found that my experience was the same as it has been in the past - that there isn't anything to take in. Again, is there something missing in me? Or am I just made to feel that way, in this case, by the institution?
When we found out that my dad died, I think both of us wondered if it would change our thoughts and feelings about anything - that the reality of someone close to us passing from this world to the next would shake us up and take a harder look at our beliefs. It didn't change anything for me. Which made me realize that I have always just kind of thought that I would be with my family forever, regardless of how righteous we all are (regardless of what the Church teaches). My family, on the other hand - I think it's different for them. My sister is taking it particularly hard, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say why, but I wonder if she's considering the fact that he'd been excommunicated and never had those blessings restored. I wonder if that's playing a role in her heartbreak.
Husband found a great blog yesterday. I've been reading some of it. The post I read today particularly spoke to me, about how I feel about researching all of this. What it comes down to for me is this: it's hard to believe any of the historical documents, because you just can't prove what's true or not. There's no way of knowing, unless I had witnessed events, people's characters, conversations, etc. for myself.
So all I can do is follow what I feel is right. And the Church isn't it. Still a hard pill to get down, though, with such "TBM"s (oh boy, I'm among the acronym users now) making up my family, and having been ingrained in this lifestyle so long.
Although, to my surprise, my two strong, stalwart, active brothers reacted very calmly and lovingly to our questions and doubts. We had very good conversations with both of them during our get-together for dad's funeral. I don't know that they'd be very bothersome if we chose a different route. It was very refreshing and so much less dramatic than talking to my mom or sister about it (all of this I failed to write about because of my dad dying, etc. But my sister ended up telling my brothers, "for moral support," which pissed me off pretty well. Then she spilled the beans to my mom when she tried to say "I have a friend having some doubts." My mom guessed who the friend was and my sister proceeded to spew.) All of that doesn't matter anymore - it's kind of nice to have it in the open, but I would have rather kept it from every single one of them. A few days ago, though, I realized that all I have to say to any of them when they bring it up is: "I don't want to talk about that." We don't have to talk about it. They'll want to because they'll assume (correctly) that we're not pursuing the LDS ideal, but they'll be respectful and not talk about it when we say we don't want to. It's perfect. Just leave the topic alone, and we can go on being a happy family without differences. I'm good with that.
My relationship with my dad could be the source of an entire essay by itself, except that I had pretty much become complacent with it. He was my dad, so there's automatically weight to his death, but we were not close and he was, by no means, part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly life. We spoke, at best, about 3 times a year, and saw each other even less than that. I'll miss him, but his death hasn't affected me very much. I do think that maybe something is missing in me - some integral part that has to do with attachment and grieving - but I don't know. And if I really am missing some part or quality, I suppose I prefer it that way.
Anyway. All of that interrupted life for a bit. Traveling, funeral, getting home and getting back into the swing of things.
Going to my b-i-l's sealing, we were both looking at it as possibly the last time that we'd ever enter the temple. I tried to make it a meaningful experience...somehow. I wanted to "take it all in," or take some time to meditate, but there's only so much you can do in a sealing ceremony. Regardless, it was the same experience as usual - nothing about the whole thing or my environment spoke to me. It was great to see our family so happy, and to see them fulfilling something that was important to them and brought them closer. And that was it. Except for the part where, as we sat in the chapel, I looked around at all the faces of former prophets/presidents of the church and thought "How many of you perpetuated lies? What kind of men are you really?" Overall, I found that my experience was the same as it has been in the past - that there isn't anything to take in. Again, is there something missing in me? Or am I just made to feel that way, in this case, by the institution?
When we found out that my dad died, I think both of us wondered if it would change our thoughts and feelings about anything - that the reality of someone close to us passing from this world to the next would shake us up and take a harder look at our beliefs. It didn't change anything for me. Which made me realize that I have always just kind of thought that I would be with my family forever, regardless of how righteous we all are (regardless of what the Church teaches). My family, on the other hand - I think it's different for them. My sister is taking it particularly hard, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say why, but I wonder if she's considering the fact that he'd been excommunicated and never had those blessings restored. I wonder if that's playing a role in her heartbreak.
Husband found a great blog yesterday. I've been reading some of it. The post I read today particularly spoke to me, about how I feel about researching all of this. What it comes down to for me is this: it's hard to believe any of the historical documents, because you just can't prove what's true or not. There's no way of knowing, unless I had witnessed events, people's characters, conversations, etc. for myself.
So all I can do is follow what I feel is right. And the Church isn't it. Still a hard pill to get down, though, with such "TBM"s (oh boy, I'm among the acronym users now) making up my family, and having been ingrained in this lifestyle so long.
Although, to my surprise, my two strong, stalwart, active brothers reacted very calmly and lovingly to our questions and doubts. We had very good conversations with both of them during our get-together for dad's funeral. I don't know that they'd be very bothersome if we chose a different route. It was very refreshing and so much less dramatic than talking to my mom or sister about it (all of this I failed to write about because of my dad dying, etc. But my sister ended up telling my brothers, "for moral support," which pissed me off pretty well. Then she spilled the beans to my mom when she tried to say "I have a friend having some doubts." My mom guessed who the friend was and my sister proceeded to spew.) All of that doesn't matter anymore - it's kind of nice to have it in the open, but I would have rather kept it from every single one of them. A few days ago, though, I realized that all I have to say to any of them when they bring it up is: "I don't want to talk about that." We don't have to talk about it. They'll want to because they'll assume (correctly) that we're not pursuing the LDS ideal, but they'll be respectful and not talk about it when we say we don't want to. It's perfect. Just leave the topic alone, and we can go on being a happy family without differences. I'm good with that.
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