Shout it from the rooftops

The last couple of days, I've really wanted to lay all this on my family, excitedly, happily, with passion. In my fantasy, they're so interested and receptive: "Really? No way...seriously? WHAT? Are you kidding? Oh my gosh..." Etc.

In reality, it would be met with tears, frustration, devastation, and completely closed minds.

I have never been happier in my life.

Husband's still got a lot of hang ups. I think he's still sad about it. Dreading telling his family. Still studying, writing, studying, mulling, talking...

Going to a big RS get together on Saturday morning. My friends invited me. I don't really care to go for the subject matter, and I'm already annoyed by the lovebombs, but it's kind of an act of defiance for me. I plan on wearing something that people will be easily able to tell I'm not wearing garments. The word is spreading about us not going to church. Let the rumors fly...and let the genuine people be honest and direct with me. I'm looking forward to just being asked.

And when someone finally does ("Why haven't we seen you at church?"), I'm going to look them in the eye and matter-of-factly say: "Because I took a good look at what I believe, did a lot of reading, a lot of pondering, and I'm going with what seems and feels right."

Maybe I'm being naive, but I would think that would have to at least put a damper on any stupid rumors. It is so effing annoying that everyone's first inclination is "Oh, did someone offend them? Did someone make them mad?"

aftermath

We're fortunate in our situation. The closest family we have really doesn't care what we do, and the rest are too far away to realize what's going on, so we can tell them in our own time.

Our bishopric came to visit us a couple of weeks ago and were surprisingly awesome about things. They just wanted to make sure they hadn't done anything to offend us. We assured them that wasn't the case (but Husband was upfront about how he didn't like how he was handled in being released) and we were totally fine with them and everyone else. They didn't really ask for further explanation, as our EQ pres/friend had already kind of told them what was going on with us, and they left us with an open invitation to keep attending activities and of course, to come to church whenever we want. It was very refreshing and a great move on their part.

I went out with a bunch of gals from our ward last week too, and not one of them said anything about not seeing me in a while. I'm pretty sure at least one of them knew why, but she was cool with me anyway.

Another sister - who's always been a bit too aggressively helpful and nice for my taste but I like her because of/in spite of that - called me today cause she "hasn't seen me in forever." She said that a couple of times, but I didn't offer any explanation and she didn't directly ask, so we just had a friendly, warm chat. At the end she said "Well, I look forward to seeing you again," and I said "We'll see you around."

So I'm wondering about the different exits other apostates make from the church, and how much those strategies have to do with how they're treated after they leave - because you hear a lot of bad stories about people being total jerks to them. I'm sure if we'd insisted on telling our leaders all the reasons why we're not going anymore, there'd be a different attitude. Instead, I told my RS pres that I needed some space right now to sort things out - thanks to Husband's advice. I had actually drafted a whole letter that explained how I no longer believed and so didn't wish to put my time into it. He told me it was too much, and he was right.

I've been pleasantly surprised with how well everyone has handled us.

However, we still have a lot of family to inform. I can't wait to get that behind us by a couple of years.

Out.

Welp...I informed the RS pres today that I want to be released from my callings. I wimped out and emailed her instead of calling her. She's braver. She called me. She was surprisingly cool about it (what did I expect?) and very kind. We've been on the radar, so I know it wasn't a surprise to her. I was already becoming a project for them. We had a very short, but very sweet conversation. I'm pretty happy with my exit.

Husband's, on the other hand, wasn't quite so smooth. Yesterday was to be his last day teaching. He showed up to teach and got told that someone else would be teaching his class instead. The bishopric was supposed to have told him prior to yesterday, and no one did. Not cool. Some of his kids were already in the class when the SS pres told him they had another teacher for him. So off he went. He wasn't happy about it.

But, now life can go on. It won't be long till I've handed off the stuff pertaining to my calling, and then we are free. We're not turning away home or visiting teachers at this point, so we'll see how that goes.

Anyway. I look forward to feeling better about this than I do right now. It is worth mourning, but I don't want to. I just want to replace it and get on with things.

Here we go.

Every time we make even the slightest move toward coming out with our feelings, I feel awful. Many Mormons would tell me that feeling is the result of being wrong. A part of my former, obedient, Mormon-self still makes me wonder: Are we wrong? I believe that people find what they're looking for, whether it's there or not. Are we doing that?

Well, first of all, why would we look for this? Upheaval of our social and family relationships? The disappointment everyone will feel for us?

Maybe I don't want the Church to be true. Maybe I am justifying it, because I myself could never make sense of it. Maybe...

But I don't think so. When I tried to be obedient and read my scriptures each day, I could never shake the doubts. I knew I should listen to the brethren and not allow myself to doubt, but I couldn't ever fully shake it. Like reading D&C 132. Seriously? It always seemed abusive and manipulative. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Like every other "little" thing.

The brethren tell us not to doubt because it leads to questions, and if you are honest with yourself, you look for the answers to questions.

The answers are: The Church is full of contradictions in its doctrine. The Church isn't up front about its teachings. Earlier this year, when I was striving to be an upstanding, obedient, respectable member, I was reading the lessons for Relief Society ahead of time. I keep recalling now the one on honesty. Here, copy and pasted from lds.org: "There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." So, by the Church's own standards, they are liars. "...by silence, or by telling only part of the truth." They have done a whole hell of a lot of that, and that is reason enough alone to be wary of it.

I didn't ask to doubt. I wanted to be a part of this. Most of the people involved in the church are well-meaning and don't know any of its history. They know that it's a well-organized institution that helps people become better. Which it is. But it also claims to be the truth and sends a message that it is the only way. Which it isn't.

It's hard not to be bitter, especially as I anticipate family and friends hounding us and saying "What are you thinking?" It's no small leap to get to where we've come. It's easy to forget just how in we were ourselves, and how we have wondered about other people we knew who became inactive.

It's for that reason that I feel like I need to really hone down an answer to their questions. Something general, kind, but honest. Like "I had some questions and concerns, and when I addressed them, I found all sorts of viable and credible information that made me lose even the hope of having a testimony." I don't want anyone misunderstanding us. I don't want anyone thinking that we're just lazy, or we want to get wasted, or wear booty shorts, or got fed a few lies and went off the deep end. It's been a months-long (and if you count the beginning of the doubts, it's been a journey just as long as our membership) progression into disbelief.

Yesterday, Husband asked to be released and had a conversation with the EQ president, who also happens to be one of our good friends who we hang out with pretty often. He's obligated to "report" us to the bishopric. I got a text this morning asking if I had sick kids, how was I, I was missed at church yesterday, can we come see you this week? from my visiting teacher. My first reaction is "ugh, leave me alone." But I have to fight that - we have to be kind, but firm and honest. We are on the brim of facing the music with our ward, and it has me very anxious, stressed, a tiny bit doubtful of our decision. Sure, we can always go back to activity if we feel like we should (I can't imagine that), but making this step of inactivity will forever blemish us. Unless of course we do go back, and then we'll be revered and their own testimonies will be strengthened and sustained.

Husband's been emailing with his dad about some of his concerns, but hasn't given his dad any real idea that we're on the verge of complete inactivity. I have one brother who's asked how things are going for us in this department, and I was honest with him. He hasn't seemed to share that with anyone else, which I appreciate. My mom even came to visit for a few days and never even brought it up...which has relieved and annoyed me. My mom and sister both act like nothing ever happened, like there's never been any kind of conversation about how I think the Church is bunk and they think I'm crazy and need to stick with the program. I'm glad she didn't bring it up when she was here, because I dread those conversations, those confrontations. At the same time, I think the reasons they don't ask are because 1) They believe we're going to come through stronger and better, more faithful on the other side of all this and 2) They don't want me to plant any seeds of doubt in their own minds. I know for sure that's the case with my sister.

The very fact that we're all so scared of delving into the concerning topics is alarming. Why are we all so scared to know the truth about things?

Because it means losing certainty, and a wonderful community with like-mindedness and constant confirmation and comfort.

I hope that in a few years, as we've replaced this part of our life with other good, positive, uplifting and growth-promoting activities and books, that we'll be able to look back on all of this, and the Church, more clearly, without its influence and our family's influence constantly lurking.

I don't want to use such harsh words, but it really is an abusive, manipulative organization. I don't want to be bitter, but who can blame all those who are so pissed off?

We might be anticipating things that won't actually happen - the bishopric coming over and trying to talk us off the ledge, more energetic home and visiting teaching efforts toward us, etc. They probably will leave us alone. I'm sad for the damaged relationships it's going to create though....especially within our families, when they do find out, who knows when. All of this has a cloud hanging over me.

At the same time, I feel like a weight's been lifted. I'm finally free to embrace the things that DO make me happy, instead of feeling guilty that I'm not spending more time on the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. I feel free.

Lots of conflicting feelings, though, for sure. I hate this.

Been a bit.

Two weeks ago last night, we were packing for a weekend away with Husband's family, to attend his brother's sealing to his wife and baby, when we found out that my dad had a heart attack and passed away.

My relationship with my dad could be the source of an entire essay by itself, except that I had pretty much become complacent with it. He was my dad, so there's automatically weight to his death, but we were not close and he was, by no means, part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly life. We spoke, at best, about 3 times a year, and saw each other even less than that. I'll miss him, but his death hasn't affected me very much. I do think that maybe something is missing in me - some integral part that has to do with attachment and grieving - but I don't know. And if I really am missing some part or quality, I suppose I prefer it that way.

Anyway. All of that interrupted life for a bit. Traveling, funeral, getting home and getting back into the swing of things.

Going to my b-i-l's sealing, we were both looking at it as possibly the last time that we'd ever enter the temple. I tried to make it a meaningful experience...somehow. I wanted to "take it all in," or take some time to meditate, but there's only so much you can do in a sealing ceremony. Regardless, it was the same experience as usual - nothing about the whole thing or my environment spoke to me. It was great to see our family so happy, and to see them fulfilling something that was important to them and brought them closer. And that was it. Except for the part where, as we sat in the chapel, I looked around at all the faces of former prophets/presidents of the church and thought "How many of you perpetuated lies? What kind of men are you really?" Overall, I found that my experience was the same as it has been in the past - that there isn't anything to take in. Again, is there something missing in me? Or am I just made to feel that way, in this case, by the institution?

When we found out that my dad died, I think both of us wondered if it would change our thoughts and feelings about anything - that the reality of someone close to us passing from this world to the next would shake us up and take a harder look at our beliefs. It didn't change anything for me. Which made me realize that I have always just kind of thought that I would be with my family forever, regardless of how righteous we all are (regardless of what the Church teaches). My family, on the other hand - I think it's different for them. My sister is taking it particularly hard, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say why, but I wonder if she's considering the fact that he'd been excommunicated and never had those blessings restored. I wonder if that's playing a role in her heartbreak.

Husband found a great blog yesterday. I've been reading some of it. The post I read today particularly spoke to me, about how I feel about researching all of this. What it comes down to for me is this: it's hard to believe any of the historical documents, because you just can't prove what's true or not. There's no way of knowing, unless I had witnessed events, people's characters, conversations, etc. for myself.

So all I can do is follow what I feel is right. And the Church isn't it. Still a hard pill to get down, though, with such "TBM"s (oh boy, I'm among the acronym users now) making up my family, and having been ingrained in this lifestyle so long.

Although, to my surprise, my two strong, stalwart, active brothers reacted very calmly and lovingly to our questions and doubts. We had very good conversations with both of them during our get-together for dad's funeral. I don't know that they'd be very bothersome if we chose a different route. It was very refreshing and so much less dramatic than talking to my mom or sister about it (all of this I failed to write about because of my dad dying, etc. But my sister ended up telling my brothers, "for moral support," which pissed me off pretty well. Then she spilled the beans to my mom when she tried to say "I have a friend having some doubts." My mom guessed who the friend was and my sister proceeded to spew.) All of that doesn't matter anymore - it's kind of nice to have it in the open, but I would have rather kept it from every single one of them. A few days ago, though, I realized that all I have to say to any of them when they bring it up is: "I don't want to talk about that." We don't have to talk about it. They'll want to because they'll assume (correctly) that we're not pursuing the LDS ideal, but they'll be respectful and not talk about it when we say we don't want to. It's perfect. Just leave the topic alone, and we can go on being a happy family without differences. I'm good with that.

Changing my method

I've been thinking about the sources I'm getting my information from. Let's just go with the Church leaders' mindset for a minute: the adversary gets his grip on people. Let's say he got his grip on a few key people to come up with some "historical" documents, or to "quote" some historical documents - all in the name of destroying testimonies. I don't actually think this is the case, but I guess I'm just conditioned and trusting enough of the Church that I will concede that it's a possibility.

I highly doubt that I can get my hands on the Journal of Discourses, where Brigham Young is quoted saying so many things that make me want to disassociate myself with the Church. I can't get my hands on the journals of early members. (What I really wish I could do is go back in time, and get to know those early members for myself - especially JS.)

But I can do what I'd do if I were researching say, the Asian people. So here's my plan: no more crazed, hungry searches for information online. I'm going to read some actual books by people who have done real research, done the notations, gone through the hullabaloo of publishing. I know that still doesn't prove anything - but I don't have the means and resources to do the exhaustive digging it would require.

I got on the library's webpage and requested a few items. Hopefully they'll make it to our branch by tomorrow and I can start in.