Integrity, letter to my sister

The reason I told my sister what was going on with me and my testimony the other day is because her husband is an inactive member. Over the past couple of years, he's tried a little harder and was going to church with his family more often, but then again within the last, I don't know, 6 months, he's had a hard time making it because of a demanding and varying work schedule. I don't know their situation exactly. But recently, he told my sister that he wasn't going to go to church anymore.

To my sister who is completely and totally all in, and who firmly believes that he will take her and their children to the temple someday, that news isn't sitting well with her. She was talking to me about it on Tuesday, and I just couldn't hold my tongue. Well, actually, that's exactly what I was doing. I didn't have anything to say that she wanted to hear, so I sat there silently. She finally said, "Hello? Are you there? What are you thinking about all of this?" I chuckled a bit and said, "Ahhhh, you don't want to know what I'm thinking." But I let it rip anyway. At the end of the conversation, I asked her not to tell anyone else in our family about it. So far I haven't heard from anyone else, but it will surprise me if she can keep it to herself without trying to round up the family to do a special fast for Husband and me.

For example, my mom called last night (the first thing I thought when I saw her name on my phone was that my sister had spilled the beans) to tell me that my family's fasting for my sister's husband (above) this weekend. "Okay. For what, exactly?" "That he'll gain a testimony...that he'll have a desire to take his family to the temple. I don't know, whatever you want to make it for." And then she went on to tell me that my brother, the last remaining of my siblings who isn't fully active and temple worthy, is getting the Priesthood next weekend. She said some more about the next few steps and then they (he and his family) can go to the temple, but I wasn't listening completely because I suddenly felt sick.

My mom herself just became active in the last few years, after years and years (and, I think, excommunication, but I don't really know her story completely). She wasn't at my sealing to my husband or my oldest brother's sealing. She barely got her recommend in time to go to my little sister's sealing in late 2009. Now my brother (who went through a long period of drugs, alcoholism, and just a crummy life in general) is finally getting close to going to the temple, and....I'm falling off the wagon.

I literally felt sick to my stomach. My heart breaks for my family, but what am I supposed to do? Live a lie, for their sake? I can't.

I used to wonder with gay people how it was that being "out" was worth the cost of giving up their families (in those cases where their families reacted badly). I kind of get it now.

Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a big commitment, and it permeates every facet of your life. And for me, it's also an all-in or all-out organization. There are those known as "buffet Mormons" who pick up what they like and don't live the rest of it. I thought about doing that, but I can't. Just like I can't sit on the phone and listen to my sister say that she knows her husband can't be happy and have peace unless he embraces the Church and gains a testimony, I can't sit through church meetings where much of the same kinds of things are said. It comes down to integrity. I will be miserable if I have to force myself to participate in callings and meetings, pretending to believe in something that I don't. And that is no life to live. So I get why gay people sacrifice everything. I can't say I understand homosexuality, but man, my heart goes out to them.

Anyway, I pretty much gave my sister the impression the other day that I was just DONE with the Church altogether and I got pretty fired up. Even though I do feel like, in my heart, I know how this is going to end, I still need to finish the research. I still need to study it out and do a lot more thinking. And I wanted to put her at ease a little bit - especially because of how she feels about the current situation with her husband - so I wrote her this email today:

Hey (my sister).

I'm sorry that I let you know what's going on with me - on top of how you feel about (brother-in-law's) testimony, I'm sure it doesn't help to have my own (and Husband's) situation dumped on top of that stress.

To clarify though, and hopefully put you at ease a bit - the situation is this: I am studying the history of the Church, from multiple sources. From the start, I have given the Church the benefit of the doubt, because of course I want it to be true - if it's not, it uproots our entire lifestyle, and that would be a much harder route to take than the one we've previously followed of running from our doubts. I hate to think of the heartbreak it would cause my siblings, Mom, and (Husband's) family, who all believe so strongly - and who believe that we're lost to them (you) in the eternities if we fall away.

However, it may be the conclusion I come to, and I'll have to deal with that, as will everyone else. If I do choose to go inactive or leave the Church altogether, I will never make an attempt at changing anyone else's mind. I'm sorry for getting fired up about it with you the other day. I don't mean to be confrontational - I don't mean to argue with you or try to prove anything to you (I'm not even sure what I believe about what I'm finding,) but it is hard. Things aren't adding up and that has led to unhappiness and disappointment for me, and for (Husband.)

You should also know that at this point, the thing that is shaking my faith the most is not coming from anything close to anti-Mormon literature or sources. It's the practice of polygamy, which is acknowledged fully by the Church. I, like most members, have just tried to tell myself that I don't understand it, there must be reasons for it, I'll get it someday, etc. etc. and it doesn't really matter right now. So I disregarded my concerns with it and never looked into it. It only takes a little attention to the matter to see that it was not as simple or innocent as we're taught - which, really, we're not taught about it at all. I didn't know until maybe a year ago that Joseph Smith himself practiced polygamy, because the only wife that's ever mentioned in church is Emma. There are a lot of concerns about this to me - and I can only continue to justify the Church's position and explain things away to a certain extent. In my heart, I cannot agree with polygamy or what it did to people. I can't reconcile this doctrine with a Church that is so concerned with families staying together. I can't reconcile polygamy with the teaching that we are divine daughters of Heavenly Father, who loves us. I've considered the arguments that to be a woman in a polygamous relationship would be for the purpose of making that sister (and whichever sisters were sharing her husband) be completely obedient, humble, selfless, etc...but how does that fit with the teachings the Church has of how husbands and wives are supposed to work together as the heads of their family? How Jesus taught that husband and wife are supposed to become twain flesh and to cleave unto each other and none else? It's hard enough being married to one person - a husband cannot fill his role to multiple wives.

Anyway, I'm going on a tangent there, but my point is to tell you that my source of discontent and distrust is not springing from outside sources. My major problem is with a doctrine and history of the Church. (Husband) has the same feelings, though with different doctrines. And if we just don't believe in what the Church teaches on multiple doctrines - what are we to do with that?

I'm open to suggestions. I'm very open to your point of view, but not necessarily your testimony - I will not rely on feelings alone when coming to a conclusion, especially the feelings of someone else. I hope that you're going to read Rough Stone Rolling too, so we can discuss it together. I will say that unless you are looking at the same information that I am, we don't have anything to discuss.

I haven't made a decision yet and won't until I've had adequate time to research, meditate, "study it out in my mind" and give prayerful consideration as to whether I believe these things to be true or not - I have a lot of reading and thinking to do. Please don't worry about me or my family. We'll do what's right for us and follow what we believe to be true.

I love you,
(Me)