Consumption

I'm not sure what to think of the fact that all of this is all-consuming. It makes up probably 95% of my conversations with Husband. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have a hard time getting back to sleep because my mind fixes on it. It's all I think about. I've had to tear myself away from reading and pondering to get any (much needed) house work done.

One thing about myself that I'm not sure what to think of is that I'm easily swayed in either direction. I'll read a well thought out and well written ex-Mormon statement and think, "Yeah! Exactly!" but then read a Mormon's well thought out and well written argument and I end up conceding that they have a point, too.

I have to consider that the information I'm finding is still all second-hand. They site references, but I don't have access to those references - and until I do, I can never really know that their reproductions are fair and accurate.

I keep thinking that while there were some terrible things that supposedly happened early in the Church's history and Joseph Smith and Brigham Young supposedly weren't fully the men they're made out to be by the Church - I keep thinking that still, the Church is good today. I can't understand what motivation there would be to deceive. The only thing I can think of is how devastating it would be for the millions of active, faithful members if they were to have everything that they live for shown to be false - or not even false necessarily, just not entirely true or honorable.

And I can say that no matter what positive light I come across that's shed on JS or the Church, it always goes back to the contradictions for me. The gospel teaches that God is unchanging - that his laws are eternal and that he won't ever give a commandment without preparing a way to follow it. Then why in the hell aren't we practicing polygamy? The United Order? Why has the temple ceremony changed so much? Not to mention that JS completely defied his Twelfth Article of Faith ("We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law") by practicing polygamy.

I think of how my story will be told by my sister in church when she's crying about it to the sisters in Relief Society. "She's reading all this anti-Mormon literature, all this supposed factual history about the church. I asked her when the last time she'd been to the temple was and she said it had been a long time - well of course! She isn't close to the Spirit anymore. The adversary had an open door and got his hands on her."

Does Satan have his grip on us (Husband and me?) Are we supposing that we know more than God by going with men's reasoning? No...not really. Just looking at history. Just looking at different accounts of the things we've been taught about. True accounts? Well, they are supposedly the accounts of past authorities, even presidents/prophets of the Church.

But even if not? Like I said, if I'm honest with myself about even the history that the Church provides, if I'm looking at the contradictions - I can't bring myself to explain it away or justify it enough to move past it. I can't give the benefit of the doubt anymore.

I go back and forth between thinking "I don't want to go to church," and "I will miss it soo much. It's familiar and comfortable. My 2-year old loves it. I don't want to deal with the contention that's inevitable from the current, all-in members. I don't want them to think what they will of us. It would be easier to just go, accepting that it's a man-made institution, not accepting any callings that would press me to bear testimony that I don't have. After all, it's a good reminder, a good pusher to be better, improve, never become sedentary."

But how can I go and listen to the innocent, completely faithful and illogical accounts of history? The regurgitated testimonies of everyone, ages 3 to 90? Church has already been making me grumpy for as long as I've been going (not always, no, sometimes it's good, but with all my new information I'm not sure I can go without getting pissed off about everything, at every turn.)

I suspect that it will just be a gradual falling away. Husband teaches Sunday school to some of the teenagers, so unless he goes and says "I'm done," he has to continue to go each Sunday, at least for the middle hour. With my calling, I don't have to be there.

What I dread is the confrontation. "We haven't seen you at church in a while." At which point, I can't stand to make excuses and lie about it. So I'll have to say...what? What's the best way to say politely and kindly that it's not for me and I won't be attending anymore? I don't want to open up discussions, I don't want to be worked at and filed away at.

Especially because my aim is not to convince anyone else of my feelings. I want them to understand, but by no means would I try to make them agree with me. If they're happy in that world, wonderful. Good for you. Don't talk to me too much and you'll be just fine.


Last night, I was exhausted by all this and decided that instead of talking to my husband about it in bed, I would just read one of my favorite books until I was tired enough to fall asleep. When I closed Jane Eyre and turned to my husband (who was reading more discussions about church history on his phone) he gave me his attention. I didn't say anything, but we both understand that all of this is emotionally and mentally exhausting. It's sad. It's also really sad to think about leaving this community, this church "family" we have behind. It's been such a major part of our lives, especially Husband's, as he grew up in it with "all in" parents. Anyway, he looked at me and said, "I love you. I'm glad I have you," meaning, I think, he's glad he has me to go through this with. I agreed whole-heartedly - going through this alone would be even harder. We've seen examples now where one spouse decided it was untrue while the other one kept on trucking, and it broke up their family. I am so grateful that's not the case in our situation. He said, "Are you scared?" I nodded yes, I am. "Me too," he said.

It's such a major goodbye, and one we'll never be able to make fully because of our families. Even if they didn't try continuously to "get us back" (and they will), they are all so wrapped up in it that we'll never get away from it.

Underwear

I'm wearing normal underwear today for the first time in years - not because I'm working out, going swimming, on my period, etc. Because I'm getting to a level of disbelief where I don't see the importance anymore.

It's weird. I can't even say I like it entirely. I've worn garments for nearly 6 years now - they're the norm, and it's not comfortable breaking away from that.

I talked to my sister, maybe prematurely, this morning, about all of this. I didn't want to discuss it with her yet, if ever, but I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut about something that's so heavily on my mind, and is bringing me closer to a huge lifestyle change than I've ever allowed it to. Since I became active in the first place, that is.

Over 6 years ago, when I first "came back" to church, I remember feeling misunderstood. All of my old friends suddenly thought of me as a crazy Mormon who didn't and couldn't care about them. I made those big changes quickly - I was "all in" and married in the temple within a year. It was all completely foreign to them, and I admit that I didn't handle my friendships well. But it was a lonely time and my feelings were still hurt by them not wanting to come near me.

I originally went back to find good, clean friends and morally clean, completely sober guys to date. I remember telling my brother that that didn't seem like a good enough reason to go - he assured me that a lot of people went to church just for the social aspect and that a testimony would come in time.

I tried. I can't say I was ever 100% at studying scriptures, saying morning and evening prayers, doing family home evening, magnifying my callings, etc. But I did try to be good. Being temple worthy wasn't hard for me. I never liked drinking, I have no problem being faithful to my husband, I did my best to have the necessary testimony, and we always paid our tithing. My language wasn't perfect, my attitude wasn't perfect, and though I did it a few times, I never felt totally right about standing and bearing my testimony that I know this church is true. I wanted to know it, I prayed to know it, I asked for help in knowing the truth, and when I didn't care so much, I prayed to care.

But the doubts prevailed. When I was reading scriptures, I constantly had thoughts like "I don't see why it's so impossible that this was made up." Comparing 2 Nephi to Isaiah didn't prove anything for me - it just made me suspicious that it had all been copied over. Polygamy never added up and I've always said that if it were reinstated, I would be gone in a second. So I guess really, past outward appearances, I was never completely "all in."

Even so...I had found an awesome man for a husband and I adored (and adore) him. I gave birth to a beautiful, fun, challenging little girl, and then another. It's been easy for us to get pregnant. We are, for the most part, very healthy and so are our babies. My husband gets good jobs and we always have our needs met, if not exceeded. I learned good things at church and met good people. I've considered myself very blessed, and lots of these major blessings coincide with my active membership in the Church. Despite having doubts and questions, I've always continued, deciding that I don't and can't understand everything, but I will someday, and that all of this is still what's best for me.

I do still think that the Church is a good institution, well-run (maybe a little TOO well run...), teaches wonderful principles, brings out the best in people - but also has the potential to, and frequently does, bring out some bad in people too.

Which is part of why I can barely stand to go anymore. I hate going and sitting in that environment where everyone has this "I'm so grateful I belong to the only true church" attitude and they pity those who don't. Missionary work is pushed, but I've never been all that excited about trying to push my beliefs on others. I was always quick to defend the Church and more often than not, got too defensive.

(Side note - I'm finding it strange that as I write this, I'm writing it in past tense. We just made the decision in the last couple of days to stop paying tithing, and are toying with dropping attendance all together - so I don't know why I act like this was all so far in the past.)

There's a part of me that would like to continue as a fully active member, but the more I learn about the early history of the Church - things that were proclaimed to be eternal laws, doctrines, and truths that have since been changed - and its leaders - the less I want to have anything to do with it. I don't want to have a negative attitude about the Church or its leaders, but I do find myself having that tone as my husband and I talk about it. And it's not that I feel guilty about having a bad attitude - just that I don't want to join that hateful group of people who mock the Church and its beliefs. Nearly my entire family and my husband's whole family are totally active and believing members (as far as we know - but maybe they have doubts that they've suppressed too, who knows?) and I respect their decision to be so and I'm happy for them, because it seems to be right and good for them. It just doesn't add up for me anymore and I think I can be just as, if not more, happy without it.

But just as I felt misunderstood by my friends when I became an active member while my family rejoiced, I know it will be the opposite this time. My family will think (or is thinking, as my sister voiced some of this already on the phone this morning) that we've given up, that we don't want to live such high standards, that it's just too hard, etc. But it's not a matter of giving up. It's a matter of beliefs, ethics, honesty, integrity....

I'm still trying to figure all of it out. I'm surprised that I've even come this far. I didn't think I would. It's crazy to me that I'm not wearing my garments and I tore up our most recent tithing check that needed to be handed in. We've re-worked our budget to exclude tithing payments. We still intend to contribute time and money - somewhere, to someone - but so far we've talked about it needing to be a local cause, one that we can get to know, trust, and have faith that what we're doing is worthwhile and the money is being well-spent. Like on food and water for children instead of nicely landscaped grounds or a newly remodeled temple or church building (or possibly things that I have no idea about, because the Church doesn't share its financial information.)

Our families and friends will also probably go on to think that we are leaving the Church to live a life of debauchery. We'll develop crotch mouths, have wild parties at our house, buy a coffee maker, start wearing booty shorts - hey, maybe even start swinging!

It sucks that people have those ideas, but even I've thought some of that about people who left the Church, so I get it, and I will try not to be hurt, annoyed, or angry when people treat us differently. Our family will have to still love and include us because we're family, but I am worried we'll lose the good friends we have. It's the major thing that tempts me to remain semi-active. It would be difficult and time-consuming to find people with the same kind of values and backgrounds as us to spend our time with. Because despite what they all might think, we're not about to start going to the bar, or cheating on each other, or whatever....I will continue to have a clean mouth, not take the Lord's name in vain, pray, strive to be kind and have love for those around me, and teach that to my children. I never liked alcohol and won't take it up - I quit it long before I started coming to church anyway. I will admit, though, that I might treat myself to a bit of tea or coffee here and there. I've missed it while I've been active, but it wasn't and still isn't a big deal. Like I said, it will be more of a treat than a habit.

If I even get to that point. If we even have the guts to get that far. We're attending my husband's brother's sealing soon. Part of me feels like a fraud heading in to the temple, but the other part of me reasons that if I don't believe in it, than why should it matter? Our recommends are still current, but won't be for long. It's very possible that this will be our last time ever being in the temple. I told my sister I would take all of this there and pray about it - not for her - I was already thinking of it. I don't necessarily believe in the temple ordinances and all that surrounds them - but I do concede that it is a quiet, peaceful place where I can hopefully really contemplate all of this, pray about it, and.....either have some kind of significant experience that will bring me back around, or I will get the answer "Nah. You're good. Don't worry about it."

In the latter case, it will be a sad goodbye, but a necessary one. It's like breaking up with someone who hasn't really done anything to hurt you, you just know that you're not right for each other....but that's not entirely accurate either. I'm a little miffed that there's so much information conveniently omitted from the promoted history - it makes me distrustful and disappointed in the Church - but it doesn't make me hate them. Just makes me want to get away. Why commit so much of our time, energy, and money to something that just doesn't add up? We'll find other ways to grow, other valuable, positive, uplifting influences.

That's where I'm at with things today. We'll see how this all pans out. In the meantime, I may have found one of seemingly few people talking about leaving the Church and the issues that go along with that in a mostly respectable way. It's nice, cause weeding through all the people who have just been offended by the fallible members is getting old.