Welp...I informed the RS pres today that I want to be released from my callings. I wimped out and emailed her instead of calling her. She's braver. She called me. She was surprisingly cool about it (what did I expect?) and very kind. We've been on the radar, so I know it wasn't a surprise to her. I was already becoming a project for them. We had a very short, but very sweet conversation. I'm pretty happy with my exit.
Husband's, on the other hand, wasn't quite so smooth. Yesterday was to be his last day teaching. He showed up to teach and got told that someone else would be teaching his class instead. The bishopric was supposed to have told him prior to yesterday, and no one did. Not cool. Some of his kids were already in the class when the SS pres told him they had another teacher for him. So off he went. He wasn't happy about it.
But, now life can go on. It won't be long till I've handed off the stuff pertaining to my calling, and then we are free. We're not turning away home or visiting teachers at this point, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyway. I look forward to feeling better about this than I do right now. It is worth mourning, but I don't want to. I just want to replace it and get on with things.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Here we go.
Every time we make even the slightest move toward coming out with our feelings, I feel awful. Many Mormons would tell me that feeling is the result of being wrong. A part of my former, obedient, Mormon-self still makes me wonder: Are we wrong? I believe that people find what they're looking for, whether it's there or not. Are we doing that?
Well, first of all, why would we look for this? Upheaval of our social and family relationships? The disappointment everyone will feel for us?
Maybe I don't want the Church to be true. Maybe I am justifying it, because I myself could never make sense of it. Maybe...
But I don't think so. When I tried to be obedient and read my scriptures each day, I could never shake the doubts. I knew I should listen to the brethren and not allow myself to doubt, but I couldn't ever fully shake it. Like reading D&C 132. Seriously? It always seemed abusive and manipulative. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Like every other "little" thing.
The brethren tell us not to doubt because it leads to questions, and if you are honest with yourself, you look for the answers to questions.
The answers are: The Church is full of contradictions in its doctrine. The Church isn't up front about its teachings. Earlier this year, when I was striving to be an upstanding, obedient, respectable member, I was reading the lessons for Relief Society ahead of time. I keep recalling now the one on honesty. Here, copy and pasted from lds.org: "There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." So, by the Church's own standards, they are liars. "...by silence, or by telling only part of the truth." They have done a whole hell of a lot of that, and that is reason enough alone to be wary of it.
I didn't ask to doubt. I wanted to be a part of this. Most of the people involved in the church are well-meaning and don't know any of its history. They know that it's a well-organized institution that helps people become better. Which it is. But it also claims to be the truth and sends a message that it is the only way. Which it isn't.
It's hard not to be bitter, especially as I anticipate family and friends hounding us and saying "What are you thinking?" It's no small leap to get to where we've come. It's easy to forget just how in we were ourselves, and how we have wondered about other people we knew who became inactive.
It's for that reason that I feel like I need to really hone down an answer to their questions. Something general, kind, but honest. Like "I had some questions and concerns, and when I addressed them, I found all sorts of viable and credible information that made me lose even the hope of having a testimony." I don't want anyone misunderstanding us. I don't want anyone thinking that we're just lazy, or we want to get wasted, or wear booty shorts, or got fed a few lies and went off the deep end. It's been a months-long (and if you count the beginning of the doubts, it's been a journey just as long as our membership) progression into disbelief.
Yesterday, Husband asked to be released and had a conversation with the EQ president, who also happens to be one of our good friends who we hang out with pretty often. He's obligated to "report" us to the bishopric. I got a text this morning asking if I had sick kids, how was I, I was missed at church yesterday, can we come see you this week? from my visiting teacher. My first reaction is "ugh, leave me alone." But I have to fight that - we have to be kind, but firm and honest. We are on the brim of facing the music with our ward, and it has me very anxious, stressed, a tiny bit doubtful of our decision. Sure, we can always go back to activity if we feel like we should (I can't imagine that), but making this step of inactivity will forever blemish us. Unless of course we do go back, and then we'll be revered and their own testimonies will be strengthened and sustained.
Husband's been emailing with his dad about some of his concerns, but hasn't given his dad any real idea that we're on the verge of complete inactivity. I have one brother who's asked how things are going for us in this department, and I was honest with him. He hasn't seemed to share that with anyone else, which I appreciate. My mom even came to visit for a few days and never even brought it up...which has relieved and annoyed me. My mom and sister both act like nothing ever happened, like there's never been any kind of conversation about how I think the Church is bunk and they think I'm crazy and need to stick with the program. I'm glad she didn't bring it up when she was here, because I dread those conversations, those confrontations. At the same time, I think the reasons they don't ask are because 1) They believe we're going to come through stronger and better, more faithful on the other side of all this and 2) They don't want me to plant any seeds of doubt in their own minds. I know for sure that's the case with my sister.
The very fact that we're all so scared of delving into the concerning topics is alarming. Why are we all so scared to know the truth about things?
Because it means losing certainty, and a wonderful community with like-mindedness and constant confirmation and comfort.
I hope that in a few years, as we've replaced this part of our life with other good, positive, uplifting and growth-promoting activities and books, that we'll be able to look back on all of this, and the Church, more clearly, without its influence and our family's influence constantly lurking.
I don't want to use such harsh words, but it really is an abusive, manipulative organization. I don't want to be bitter, but who can blame all those who are so pissed off?
We might be anticipating things that won't actually happen - the bishopric coming over and trying to talk us off the ledge, more energetic home and visiting teaching efforts toward us, etc. They probably will leave us alone. I'm sad for the damaged relationships it's going to create though....especially within our families, when they do find out, who knows when. All of this has a cloud hanging over me.
At the same time, I feel like a weight's been lifted. I'm finally free to embrace the things that DO make me happy, instead of feeling guilty that I'm not spending more time on the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. I feel free.
Lots of conflicting feelings, though, for sure. I hate this.
Well, first of all, why would we look for this? Upheaval of our social and family relationships? The disappointment everyone will feel for us?
Maybe I don't want the Church to be true. Maybe I am justifying it, because I myself could never make sense of it. Maybe...
But I don't think so. When I tried to be obedient and read my scriptures each day, I could never shake the doubts. I knew I should listen to the brethren and not allow myself to doubt, but I couldn't ever fully shake it. Like reading D&C 132. Seriously? It always seemed abusive and manipulative. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Like every other "little" thing.
The brethren tell us not to doubt because it leads to questions, and if you are honest with yourself, you look for the answers to questions.
The answers are: The Church is full of contradictions in its doctrine. The Church isn't up front about its teachings. Earlier this year, when I was striving to be an upstanding, obedient, respectable member, I was reading the lessons for Relief Society ahead of time. I keep recalling now the one on honesty. Here, copy and pasted from lds.org: "There are many other forms of lying. When we speak untruths, we are guilty of lying. We can also intentionally deceive others by a gesture or a look, by silence, or by telling only part of the truth. Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest." So, by the Church's own standards, they are liars. "...by silence, or by telling only part of the truth." They have done a whole hell of a lot of that, and that is reason enough alone to be wary of it.
I didn't ask to doubt. I wanted to be a part of this. Most of the people involved in the church are well-meaning and don't know any of its history. They know that it's a well-organized institution that helps people become better. Which it is. But it also claims to be the truth and sends a message that it is the only way. Which it isn't.
It's hard not to be bitter, especially as I anticipate family and friends hounding us and saying "What are you thinking?" It's no small leap to get to where we've come. It's easy to forget just how in we were ourselves, and how we have wondered about other people we knew who became inactive.
It's for that reason that I feel like I need to really hone down an answer to their questions. Something general, kind, but honest. Like "I had some questions and concerns, and when I addressed them, I found all sorts of viable and credible information that made me lose even the hope of having a testimony." I don't want anyone misunderstanding us. I don't want anyone thinking that we're just lazy, or we want to get wasted, or wear booty shorts, or got fed a few lies and went off the deep end. It's been a months-long (and if you count the beginning of the doubts, it's been a journey just as long as our membership) progression into disbelief.
Yesterday, Husband asked to be released and had a conversation with the EQ president, who also happens to be one of our good friends who we hang out with pretty often. He's obligated to "report" us to the bishopric. I got a text this morning asking if I had sick kids, how was I, I was missed at church yesterday, can we come see you this week? from my visiting teacher. My first reaction is "ugh, leave me alone." But I have to fight that - we have to be kind, but firm and honest. We are on the brim of facing the music with our ward, and it has me very anxious, stressed, a tiny bit doubtful of our decision. Sure, we can always go back to activity if we feel like we should (I can't imagine that), but making this step of inactivity will forever blemish us. Unless of course we do go back, and then we'll be revered and their own testimonies will be strengthened and sustained.
Husband's been emailing with his dad about some of his concerns, but hasn't given his dad any real idea that we're on the verge of complete inactivity. I have one brother who's asked how things are going for us in this department, and I was honest with him. He hasn't seemed to share that with anyone else, which I appreciate. My mom even came to visit for a few days and never even brought it up...which has relieved and annoyed me. My mom and sister both act like nothing ever happened, like there's never been any kind of conversation about how I think the Church is bunk and they think I'm crazy and need to stick with the program. I'm glad she didn't bring it up when she was here, because I dread those conversations, those confrontations. At the same time, I think the reasons they don't ask are because 1) They believe we're going to come through stronger and better, more faithful on the other side of all this and 2) They don't want me to plant any seeds of doubt in their own minds. I know for sure that's the case with my sister.
The very fact that we're all so scared of delving into the concerning topics is alarming. Why are we all so scared to know the truth about things?
Because it means losing certainty, and a wonderful community with like-mindedness and constant confirmation and comfort.
I hope that in a few years, as we've replaced this part of our life with other good, positive, uplifting and growth-promoting activities and books, that we'll be able to look back on all of this, and the Church, more clearly, without its influence and our family's influence constantly lurking.
I don't want to use such harsh words, but it really is an abusive, manipulative organization. I don't want to be bitter, but who can blame all those who are so pissed off?
We might be anticipating things that won't actually happen - the bishopric coming over and trying to talk us off the ledge, more energetic home and visiting teaching efforts toward us, etc. They probably will leave us alone. I'm sad for the damaged relationships it's going to create though....especially within our families, when they do find out, who knows when. All of this has a cloud hanging over me.
At the same time, I feel like a weight's been lifted. I'm finally free to embrace the things that DO make me happy, instead of feeling guilty that I'm not spending more time on the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. I feel free.
Lots of conflicting feelings, though, for sure. I hate this.
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