In looking around at "after Mormonism" sites and discussions, I've come across some disturbing stuff and admittedly gotten a little scared and wanted to curl up, back into my good-Mormon-gal ball in the corner; full activity and effort into the Church.
So many people seem to leave the Church and jump into all the stuff we aren't supposed to do as members in good standing.
I never liked alcohol (the taste or its effects), hated the idea of any partner of mine looking at or watching pornography, etc. My hatred of those things was actually the driving force in me "coming back" to church in the first place. I found my perfect man and we're on the same page with these things. There's a lot of good in the Church's teachings that I don't ever want to forget or let go of.
However, there are some things that the Church pushes, that I believe in, but will have a harder time living them if I'm not being "held accountable." Swearing and modesty, for example. I've never had the cleanest mouth or been a sweet girl, by nature. Keeping my language clean is something I want to continue to strive for (not that anyone was ever checking my language, but it was the influence of the Church that changed my language almost 7 years ago.) And modesty - I totally appreciate this idea, but the freedom of wearing tank tops and not having to find knee-length shorts is very appealing to me, too. I'm not about to have my butt hanging out all summer long, don't get me wrong, but the LDS wardrobe can be limiting to certain body types. The day that I went through the temple and started wearing garments, we went shopping for me to get some new shirts that would fit better with my new underwear. I literally cried when I realized how limiting that would be. I got over it and have been totally satisfied, for the most part, with my options, especially because I really do appreciate modesty. But it will be a nice thing not to worry about anymore.
I'm not getting this point across very clearly. I guess all I'm trying to say is that outside the Church's influence, I hope Husband and I can find a good balance of the old ideals and the new freedom. I totally intend to return to my old loves of frappucinos and sweetened iced tea, but more as treats as habits (just like soda is to me now.) I look forward to not worrying about whether my g-top is poking out of the top of my pretty-darn-but-not-quite-modest-enough shirt. Pornography will never have a place in my marriage. Alcohol? Maybe. Neither of us like the taste, but I think we can both appreciate, and are both a bit tempted by, the idea of just light drinking, at his company functions or whatever. The last time either of us drank alcohol was when we were teenagers, and the sole purpose was to get wasted and be idiots. I'm sure as adults, it would be a bit different.
Whatever we do in those regards, I would like for it to only be on terms we're both comfortable with. I won't do anything he doesn't like and he'll show the same respect to me.
I think we might enjoy some iced tea tonight, actually. He's never tried it and I loved drinking it before. Toasting to the new life ahead. We're such rebels.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Closer to two feet out
I'm a bit sick this week. I don't want my girls to get it, but if my 2 year old does get it, at least I have an excuse to not go to church.
But I am getting ever-closer to not needing an excuse, ever-closer to not caring what they all think of me because more and more, their opinions don't hold a lot of value to me.
We've been doing a lot of reading on Pure Mormonism. A lot of interesting information and viewpoints.
I don't give the guy full credibility for multiple reasons, but a lot of what he says resonates with me. On the other hand, this guy's thrown another complicated layer into my search for just what I believe about this church, from its beginning, to now. I agree with what he has to say about the current church, but I don't know that I agree with his belief in the purely restored church in the first place - that Joseph Smith was a prophet, etc.
If I had to put my name on a belief as of today, I would say that I believe that Joseph Smith had some inspiration to write a really great book with wonderful principles and ideas in it, and even had some other great ideas.
It gets tricky though with the theories that documents have been altered. How can we possibly believe in any document or record? How can we believe anything that we didn't see for ourselves or feel for ourselves? I mean, for pete's sake, this Rock guy believes that Joseph Smith didn't actually practice polygamy. His reasoning all seems to be sound - but that's even more disturbing to me. What the hell are we supposed to believe about something like that? Either way you look at it, someone dramatically altered records; someone(s) is or has lied a lot to promote polygamy - that JS did it or that he did not.
So scratch what I said up there. If I had to say what I believe in....I'd say "follow your heart. Treat people well. Model your life after people who were and are peaceful and loving. Put value on anything or anyone who promotes good things." I would include the Book of Mormon in that category. The Bible, so far as it makes any sense. And lots of other things that I hope to discover. This entry from Rock really resonated with Husband and me both. This concept (not necessarily the entire post, since it relates back to JS) just makes sense to me, through and through.
I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to know anything for sure. And because I don't know anything for sure, I don't feel compelled to attend to or adhere to the teachings, practices, and policies of an institution that claims to be the one and only truth and pushes strict obedience....yet is a pretty shady institution itself. One thing I feel I'm getting more sure of is that this church does not sit right with me.
I think I'm done. With the Church. At least for now. I'll continue to study and experience and feel things out, but I highly doubt that my heart will lead me back to the LDS Church, with all its authority and policies that don't make sense.
Things making sense. That's what all this has been about. So much of what I've learned and followed has never made sense to me, but you are taught to "follow the Prophet," so you swallow it and carry on, thinking that it doesn't need to make sense. That's changing for me, a lot. Things can make sense. And maybe I could apply this as a strong member of the Church, too - study out things that don't make sense...but that's what I've been doing, and this is where it got me. I've found out all kinds of things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, enough of which are verifiable - enough to make me want nothing to do with it.
But I am getting ever-closer to not needing an excuse, ever-closer to not caring what they all think of me because more and more, their opinions don't hold a lot of value to me.
We've been doing a lot of reading on Pure Mormonism. A lot of interesting information and viewpoints.
I don't give the guy full credibility for multiple reasons, but a lot of what he says resonates with me. On the other hand, this guy's thrown another complicated layer into my search for just what I believe about this church, from its beginning, to now. I agree with what he has to say about the current church, but I don't know that I agree with his belief in the purely restored church in the first place - that Joseph Smith was a prophet, etc.
If I had to put my name on a belief as of today, I would say that I believe that Joseph Smith had some inspiration to write a really great book with wonderful principles and ideas in it, and even had some other great ideas.
It gets tricky though with the theories that documents have been altered. How can we possibly believe in any document or record? How can we believe anything that we didn't see for ourselves or feel for ourselves? I mean, for pete's sake, this Rock guy believes that Joseph Smith didn't actually practice polygamy. His reasoning all seems to be sound - but that's even more disturbing to me. What the hell are we supposed to believe about something like that? Either way you look at it, someone dramatically altered records; someone(s) is or has lied a lot to promote polygamy - that JS did it or that he did not.
So scratch what I said up there. If I had to say what I believe in....I'd say "follow your heart. Treat people well. Model your life after people who were and are peaceful and loving. Put value on anything or anyone who promotes good things." I would include the Book of Mormon in that category. The Bible, so far as it makes any sense. And lots of other things that I hope to discover. This entry from Rock really resonated with Husband and me both. This concept (not necessarily the entire post, since it relates back to JS) just makes sense to me, through and through.
I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to know anything for sure. And because I don't know anything for sure, I don't feel compelled to attend to or adhere to the teachings, practices, and policies of an institution that claims to be the one and only truth and pushes strict obedience....yet is a pretty shady institution itself. One thing I feel I'm getting more sure of is that this church does not sit right with me.
I think I'm done. With the Church. At least for now. I'll continue to study and experience and feel things out, but I highly doubt that my heart will lead me back to the LDS Church, with all its authority and policies that don't make sense.
Things making sense. That's what all this has been about. So much of what I've learned and followed has never made sense to me, but you are taught to "follow the Prophet," so you swallow it and carry on, thinking that it doesn't need to make sense. That's changing for me, a lot. Things can make sense. And maybe I could apply this as a strong member of the Church, too - study out things that don't make sense...but that's what I've been doing, and this is where it got me. I've found out all kinds of things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, enough of which are verifiable - enough to make me want nothing to do with it.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Been a bit.
Two weeks ago last night, we were packing for a weekend away with Husband's family, to attend his brother's sealing to his wife and baby, when we found out that my dad had a heart attack and passed away.
My relationship with my dad could be the source of an entire essay by itself, except that I had pretty much become complacent with it. He was my dad, so there's automatically weight to his death, but we were not close and he was, by no means, part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly life. We spoke, at best, about 3 times a year, and saw each other even less than that. I'll miss him, but his death hasn't affected me very much. I do think that maybe something is missing in me - some integral part that has to do with attachment and grieving - but I don't know. And if I really am missing some part or quality, I suppose I prefer it that way.
Anyway. All of that interrupted life for a bit. Traveling, funeral, getting home and getting back into the swing of things.
Going to my b-i-l's sealing, we were both looking at it as possibly the last time that we'd ever enter the temple. I tried to make it a meaningful experience...somehow. I wanted to "take it all in," or take some time to meditate, but there's only so much you can do in a sealing ceremony. Regardless, it was the same experience as usual - nothing about the whole thing or my environment spoke to me. It was great to see our family so happy, and to see them fulfilling something that was important to them and brought them closer. And that was it. Except for the part where, as we sat in the chapel, I looked around at all the faces of former prophets/presidents of the church and thought "How many of you perpetuated lies? What kind of men are you really?" Overall, I found that my experience was the same as it has been in the past - that there isn't anything to take in. Again, is there something missing in me? Or am I just made to feel that way, in this case, by the institution?
When we found out that my dad died, I think both of us wondered if it would change our thoughts and feelings about anything - that the reality of someone close to us passing from this world to the next would shake us up and take a harder look at our beliefs. It didn't change anything for me. Which made me realize that I have always just kind of thought that I would be with my family forever, regardless of how righteous we all are (regardless of what the Church teaches). My family, on the other hand - I think it's different for them. My sister is taking it particularly hard, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say why, but I wonder if she's considering the fact that he'd been excommunicated and never had those blessings restored. I wonder if that's playing a role in her heartbreak.
Husband found a great blog yesterday. I've been reading some of it. The post I read today particularly spoke to me, about how I feel about researching all of this. What it comes down to for me is this: it's hard to believe any of the historical documents, because you just can't prove what's true or not. There's no way of knowing, unless I had witnessed events, people's characters, conversations, etc. for myself.
So all I can do is follow what I feel is right. And the Church isn't it. Still a hard pill to get down, though, with such "TBM"s (oh boy, I'm among the acronym users now) making up my family, and having been ingrained in this lifestyle so long.
Although, to my surprise, my two strong, stalwart, active brothers reacted very calmly and lovingly to our questions and doubts. We had very good conversations with both of them during our get-together for dad's funeral. I don't know that they'd be very bothersome if we chose a different route. It was very refreshing and so much less dramatic than talking to my mom or sister about it (all of this I failed to write about because of my dad dying, etc. But my sister ended up telling my brothers, "for moral support," which pissed me off pretty well. Then she spilled the beans to my mom when she tried to say "I have a friend having some doubts." My mom guessed who the friend was and my sister proceeded to spew.) All of that doesn't matter anymore - it's kind of nice to have it in the open, but I would have rather kept it from every single one of them. A few days ago, though, I realized that all I have to say to any of them when they bring it up is: "I don't want to talk about that." We don't have to talk about it. They'll want to because they'll assume (correctly) that we're not pursuing the LDS ideal, but they'll be respectful and not talk about it when we say we don't want to. It's perfect. Just leave the topic alone, and we can go on being a happy family without differences. I'm good with that.
My relationship with my dad could be the source of an entire essay by itself, except that I had pretty much become complacent with it. He was my dad, so there's automatically weight to his death, but we were not close and he was, by no means, part of my daily, weekly, or even monthly life. We spoke, at best, about 3 times a year, and saw each other even less than that. I'll miss him, but his death hasn't affected me very much. I do think that maybe something is missing in me - some integral part that has to do with attachment and grieving - but I don't know. And if I really am missing some part or quality, I suppose I prefer it that way.
Anyway. All of that interrupted life for a bit. Traveling, funeral, getting home and getting back into the swing of things.
Going to my b-i-l's sealing, we were both looking at it as possibly the last time that we'd ever enter the temple. I tried to make it a meaningful experience...somehow. I wanted to "take it all in," or take some time to meditate, but there's only so much you can do in a sealing ceremony. Regardless, it was the same experience as usual - nothing about the whole thing or my environment spoke to me. It was great to see our family so happy, and to see them fulfilling something that was important to them and brought them closer. And that was it. Except for the part where, as we sat in the chapel, I looked around at all the faces of former prophets/presidents of the church and thought "How many of you perpetuated lies? What kind of men are you really?" Overall, I found that my experience was the same as it has been in the past - that there isn't anything to take in. Again, is there something missing in me? Or am I just made to feel that way, in this case, by the institution?
When we found out that my dad died, I think both of us wondered if it would change our thoughts and feelings about anything - that the reality of someone close to us passing from this world to the next would shake us up and take a harder look at our beliefs. It didn't change anything for me. Which made me realize that I have always just kind of thought that I would be with my family forever, regardless of how righteous we all are (regardless of what the Church teaches). My family, on the other hand - I think it's different for them. My sister is taking it particularly hard, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say why, but I wonder if she's considering the fact that he'd been excommunicated and never had those blessings restored. I wonder if that's playing a role in her heartbreak.
Husband found a great blog yesterday. I've been reading some of it. The post I read today particularly spoke to me, about how I feel about researching all of this. What it comes down to for me is this: it's hard to believe any of the historical documents, because you just can't prove what's true or not. There's no way of knowing, unless I had witnessed events, people's characters, conversations, etc. for myself.
So all I can do is follow what I feel is right. And the Church isn't it. Still a hard pill to get down, though, with such "TBM"s (oh boy, I'm among the acronym users now) making up my family, and having been ingrained in this lifestyle so long.
Although, to my surprise, my two strong, stalwart, active brothers reacted very calmly and lovingly to our questions and doubts. We had very good conversations with both of them during our get-together for dad's funeral. I don't know that they'd be very bothersome if we chose a different route. It was very refreshing and so much less dramatic than talking to my mom or sister about it (all of this I failed to write about because of my dad dying, etc. But my sister ended up telling my brothers, "for moral support," which pissed me off pretty well. Then she spilled the beans to my mom when she tried to say "I have a friend having some doubts." My mom guessed who the friend was and my sister proceeded to spew.) All of that doesn't matter anymore - it's kind of nice to have it in the open, but I would have rather kept it from every single one of them. A few days ago, though, I realized that all I have to say to any of them when they bring it up is: "I don't want to talk about that." We don't have to talk about it. They'll want to because they'll assume (correctly) that we're not pursuing the LDS ideal, but they'll be respectful and not talk about it when we say we don't want to. It's perfect. Just leave the topic alone, and we can go on being a happy family without differences. I'm good with that.
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