Consumption

I'm not sure what to think of the fact that all of this is all-consuming. It makes up probably 95% of my conversations with Husband. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I have a hard time getting back to sleep because my mind fixes on it. It's all I think about. I've had to tear myself away from reading and pondering to get any (much needed) house work done.

One thing about myself that I'm not sure what to think of is that I'm easily swayed in either direction. I'll read a well thought out and well written ex-Mormon statement and think, "Yeah! Exactly!" but then read a Mormon's well thought out and well written argument and I end up conceding that they have a point, too.

I have to consider that the information I'm finding is still all second-hand. They site references, but I don't have access to those references - and until I do, I can never really know that their reproductions are fair and accurate.

I keep thinking that while there were some terrible things that supposedly happened early in the Church's history and Joseph Smith and Brigham Young supposedly weren't fully the men they're made out to be by the Church - I keep thinking that still, the Church is good today. I can't understand what motivation there would be to deceive. The only thing I can think of is how devastating it would be for the millions of active, faithful members if they were to have everything that they live for shown to be false - or not even false necessarily, just not entirely true or honorable.

And I can say that no matter what positive light I come across that's shed on JS or the Church, it always goes back to the contradictions for me. The gospel teaches that God is unchanging - that his laws are eternal and that he won't ever give a commandment without preparing a way to follow it. Then why in the hell aren't we practicing polygamy? The United Order? Why has the temple ceremony changed so much? Not to mention that JS completely defied his Twelfth Article of Faith ("We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law") by practicing polygamy.

I think of how my story will be told by my sister in church when she's crying about it to the sisters in Relief Society. "She's reading all this anti-Mormon literature, all this supposed factual history about the church. I asked her when the last time she'd been to the temple was and she said it had been a long time - well of course! She isn't close to the Spirit anymore. The adversary had an open door and got his hands on her."

Does Satan have his grip on us (Husband and me?) Are we supposing that we know more than God by going with men's reasoning? No...not really. Just looking at history. Just looking at different accounts of the things we've been taught about. True accounts? Well, they are supposedly the accounts of past authorities, even presidents/prophets of the Church.

But even if not? Like I said, if I'm honest with myself about even the history that the Church provides, if I'm looking at the contradictions - I can't bring myself to explain it away or justify it enough to move past it. I can't give the benefit of the doubt anymore.

I go back and forth between thinking "I don't want to go to church," and "I will miss it soo much. It's familiar and comfortable. My 2-year old loves it. I don't want to deal with the contention that's inevitable from the current, all-in members. I don't want them to think what they will of us. It would be easier to just go, accepting that it's a man-made institution, not accepting any callings that would press me to bear testimony that I don't have. After all, it's a good reminder, a good pusher to be better, improve, never become sedentary."

But how can I go and listen to the innocent, completely faithful and illogical accounts of history? The regurgitated testimonies of everyone, ages 3 to 90? Church has already been making me grumpy for as long as I've been going (not always, no, sometimes it's good, but with all my new information I'm not sure I can go without getting pissed off about everything, at every turn.)

I suspect that it will just be a gradual falling away. Husband teaches Sunday school to some of the teenagers, so unless he goes and says "I'm done," he has to continue to go each Sunday, at least for the middle hour. With my calling, I don't have to be there.

What I dread is the confrontation. "We haven't seen you at church in a while." At which point, I can't stand to make excuses and lie about it. So I'll have to say...what? What's the best way to say politely and kindly that it's not for me and I won't be attending anymore? I don't want to open up discussions, I don't want to be worked at and filed away at.

Especially because my aim is not to convince anyone else of my feelings. I want them to understand, but by no means would I try to make them agree with me. If they're happy in that world, wonderful. Good for you. Don't talk to me too much and you'll be just fine.


Last night, I was exhausted by all this and decided that instead of talking to my husband about it in bed, I would just read one of my favorite books until I was tired enough to fall asleep. When I closed Jane Eyre and turned to my husband (who was reading more discussions about church history on his phone) he gave me his attention. I didn't say anything, but we both understand that all of this is emotionally and mentally exhausting. It's sad. It's also really sad to think about leaving this community, this church "family" we have behind. It's been such a major part of our lives, especially Husband's, as he grew up in it with "all in" parents. Anyway, he looked at me and said, "I love you. I'm glad I have you," meaning, I think, he's glad he has me to go through this with. I agreed whole-heartedly - going through this alone would be even harder. We've seen examples now where one spouse decided it was untrue while the other one kept on trucking, and it broke up their family. I am so grateful that's not the case in our situation. He said, "Are you scared?" I nodded yes, I am. "Me too," he said.

It's such a major goodbye, and one we'll never be able to make fully because of our families. Even if they didn't try continuously to "get us back" (and they will), they are all so wrapped up in it that we'll never get away from it.