On the other side

In looking around at "after Mormonism" sites and discussions, I've come across some disturbing stuff and admittedly gotten a little scared and wanted to curl up, back into my good-Mormon-gal ball in the corner; full activity and effort into the Church.

So many people seem to leave the Church and jump into all the stuff we aren't supposed to do as members in good standing.

I never liked alcohol (the taste or its effects), hated the idea of any partner of mine looking at or watching pornography, etc. My hatred of those things was actually the driving force in me "coming back" to church in the first place. I found my perfect man and we're on the same page with these things. There's a lot of good in the Church's teachings that I don't ever want to forget or let go of.

However, there are some things that the Church pushes, that I believe in, but will have a harder time living them if I'm not being "held accountable." Swearing and modesty, for example. I've never had the cleanest mouth or been a sweet girl, by nature. Keeping my language clean is something I want to continue to strive for (not that anyone was ever checking my language, but it was the influence of the Church that changed my language almost 7 years ago.) And modesty - I totally appreciate this idea, but the freedom of wearing tank tops and not having to find knee-length shorts is very appealing to me, too. I'm not about to have my butt hanging out all summer long, don't get me wrong, but the LDS wardrobe can be limiting to certain body types. The day that I went through the temple and started wearing garments, we went shopping for me to get some new shirts that would fit better with my new underwear. I literally cried when I realized how limiting that would be. I got over it and have been totally satisfied, for the most part, with my options, especially because I really do appreciate modesty. But it will be a nice thing not to worry about anymore.

I'm not getting this point across very clearly. I guess all I'm trying to say is that outside the Church's influence, I hope Husband and I can find a good balance of the old ideals and the new freedom. I totally intend to return to my old loves of frappucinos and sweetened iced tea, but more as treats as habits (just like soda is to me now.) I look forward to not worrying about whether my g-top is poking out of the top of my pretty-darn-but-not-quite-modest-enough shirt. Pornography will never have a place in my marriage. Alcohol? Maybe. Neither of us like the taste, but I think we can both appreciate, and are both a bit tempted by, the idea of just light drinking, at his company functions or whatever. The last time either of us drank alcohol was when we were teenagers, and the sole purpose was to get wasted and be idiots. I'm sure as adults, it would be a bit different.

Whatever we do in those regards, I would like for it to only be on terms we're both comfortable with. I won't do anything he doesn't like and he'll show the same respect to me.

I think we might enjoy some iced tea tonight, actually. He's never tried it and I loved drinking it before. Toasting to the new life ahead. We're such rebels.