I'm a bit sick this week. I don't want my girls to get it, but if my 2 year old does get it, at least I have an excuse to not go to church.
But I am getting ever-closer to not needing an excuse, ever-closer to not caring what they all think of me because more and more, their opinions don't hold a lot of value to me.
We've been doing a lot of reading on Pure Mormonism. A lot of interesting information and viewpoints.
I don't give the guy full credibility for multiple reasons, but a lot of what he says resonates with me. On the other hand, this guy's thrown another complicated layer into my search for just what I believe about this church, from its beginning, to now. I agree with what he has to say about the current church, but I don't know that I agree with his belief in the purely restored church in the first place - that Joseph Smith was a prophet, etc.
If I had to put my name on a belief as of today, I would say that I believe that Joseph Smith had some inspiration to write a really great book with wonderful principles and ideas in it, and even had some other great ideas.
It gets tricky though with the theories that documents have been altered. How can we possibly believe in any document or record? How can we believe anything that we didn't see for ourselves or feel for ourselves? I mean, for pete's sake, this Rock guy believes that Joseph Smith didn't actually practice polygamy. His reasoning all seems to be sound - but that's even more disturbing to me. What the hell are we supposed to believe about something like that? Either way you look at it, someone dramatically altered records; someone(s) is or has lied a lot to promote polygamy - that JS did it or that he did not.
So scratch what I said up there. If I had to say what I believe in....I'd say "follow your heart. Treat people well. Model your life after people who were and are peaceful and loving. Put value on anything or anyone who promotes good things." I would include the Book of Mormon in that category. The Bible, so far as it makes any sense. And lots of other things that I hope to discover. This entry from Rock really resonated with Husband and me both. This concept (not necessarily the entire post, since it relates back to JS) just makes sense to me, through and through.
I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't have to know anything for sure. And because I don't know anything for sure, I don't feel compelled to attend to or adhere to the teachings, practices, and policies of an institution that claims to be the one and only truth and pushes strict obedience....yet is a pretty shady institution itself. One thing I feel I'm getting more sure of is that this church does not sit right with me.
I think I'm done. With the Church. At least for now. I'll continue to study and experience and feel things out, but I highly doubt that my heart will lead me back to the LDS Church, with all its authority and policies that don't make sense.
Things making sense. That's what all this has been about. So much of what I've learned and followed has never made sense to me, but you are taught to "follow the Prophet," so you swallow it and carry on, thinking that it doesn't need to make sense. That's changing for me, a lot. Things can make sense. And maybe I could apply this as a strong member of the Church, too - study out things that don't make sense...but that's what I've been doing, and this is where it got me. I've found out all kinds of things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, enough of which are verifiable - enough to make me want nothing to do with it.
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